Funny Business
by xAmeliax
Summary: “Aww, not laughing?” he leant over as far as the restraints would allow smiling widely “just wait for the punch line” Meredith Opalton deals with Jack Napier just fine in Arkham Asylum. But a chain of events changes everything. Batman is in high demand.
1. Prologue

Hiiii! Oh my god i haven't written in ages! But i suddenly have a massive urge to post fics i hadn't posted before but written. I have so many places for this one to go so i really hope you enjoy it. I'll post the prologue (this) and then chapter one.

Oh and please review, i really won't post another chapter inless i get reviews. It really hits your confidence when people read and don't comment. sooo pleeeeease review even bad things are always helpful. (not mean though =/)

xAmeliax

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Prologue

Meredith Opalton pretty, smart and successful. That's what they write about me in all the Gotham magazines, although I don't find myself particularly attractive that's not say I haven't had boyfriends but personally I don't believe I'm anything special then again what girl does?

I went to oxford university but I am in no way smart, half the things I speak of I barely understand, for the very few times I was called into court, I don't think I understood a word I said and just for the record; Oxford? Its so overrated its full of spoilt brats who can barely string three words together they just happened to be born into money and their incredibly wealthy fathers coincidently happen to be donating a large sum of it each year.

You probably think I'm conceited or arrogant. I am. When it comes to wealth. I despise it.

Successful? Yes I am. But it was hard work. I've been through a hell of a lot and this is my story.

My father worked at the local primary school where we lived in Cornwall in England whilst my mother was a nurse at the local hospital, they both had good wages, but that's not to say that I got the new Ipod every time one came out. Although we didn't have enough money to put me through Oxford, I gained a scholarship there one of the very few who did too. Lucky me? Not quite, in my second year of Law my father died, it was quite unexpected, some young thug in need of drug money and my father refused to hand over his wallet gaining him a bullet wound to the chest causing him to die three hours later.

I resented him very much for not handing over his wallet, maybe if he had he'd still be here and I'd still be working my way through university with two loving parents supporting me. Anyway, due to my resentment toward him I almost missed his funeral, but I realised that I can't blame someone who isn't even around to justify his actions? So I went. I didn't cry and I feel slightly bad that I didn't but everybody grieves in their own personal way, mine was to block out my own pain and focus on my mothers, helping her through it for, at my fathers funeral, I noticed the headmistress of Oxford stood at the back of the crowd now it was my understanding that the headmistress gives her condolences and then forgets about you completely after all there must be a number of students who lose their parents every year I highly doubt she attends their funerals, but there she was, crying as though she knew my father. Well it was naive of me to think she was there as a shoulder to cry on, oh no. As it turned out dear old dad had been having it away with my headmistress, at the time I really was to naive to see that my 'well earned scholarship' was the result of a secret sordid affair. I know my father loved me and my mother, but how could I forgive him for humouring me, letting me think I was intelligent enough to gain a scholarship at one of the most sort after universities in England?

So I left.

I never returned to Oxford I never reported the headmistress either there would be no point in starting anything like that. I would not drag my mother through so much torment. That year I stayed with my mother for a while, helping her come to terms with the events that had come to light. Of course she wanted me to forget her, go back to uni and carry on with my life but finding out that my smarts which, lets be honest, was the only thing I had going for me was crashing down around me I didn't really believe I had much of a life anymore, instead I attended counselling sessions with my mother, we met other victims of violence and I realised that in a way we were better off than these people. One man, Jason, couldn't leave his house after 3pm for fear his attacker will attempt to kill him at the same time he did before, not only that half these people had not and more than likely will not, see justice for the crimes against them. I wanted to help these people obviously I wasn't able to go out and lock these criminals up but I could help them emotionally, of course I had no qualifications as a psychiatrist and the local council were rather reluctant to hire me as an assistant to their current psychiatrist, but one mention of Oxford was enough for them to think me able. I worked with Jason mostly, helping him overcome his fear of attacks. We managed to help him extend his curfew to 4pm, then 5 till eventually he could easily walk out of his house without any obvious worry, of course there was still that niggling feeling in the back of his mind which he often described as a evil presence, but with our help, and his friends help he overcame it and made a full recovery. Things like that helped me cope with my own grief, knowing that something good came out of my fathers death, it consoled me. Of course his murderer was never found and nobody was charged that was the hardest thing to deal with, his murderer was out there ready to ruin the next family he feels like.

Like most things I became bored with what I was doing, it wasn't enough I needed to do more my passion for helping people became an obsession and after reading in the paper about a criminal infested Gotham City I found my calling, my life was no longer in England. I made some calls and booked a flight, 24 hours later I was in Gotham airport trying to book myself into a Hotel but as it turns out an English accent isn't that easy to understand.


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter one **

'**Just wait for the punch line'**

I had never in my life been to America. I found myself constantly repeating things and asking others to sound things out so I could understand, I had a few perverts crudely ask me if I wanted the 'real American experience' I doubt they'll be able to conceive a child in the near future.

Currently I'm working in Arkham Asylum as a assistant psychiatrist, turns out that in America, Oxford, although thought of as a high class institution in England, isn't quite the same, to become just an assistant I had to take half a years psychology training and then half a years worth of work experience. This is my work experience. I admit this is rather different to what I was doing in England, but my reasoning was that to help innocent people, it would be easier to understand a criminal mind, that and it was the only job going in this god forsaken city. Don't get me wrong the city is thriving with life, everywhere you look bright lights blind you but its what's behind the lights that gets me, behind the amazing theatres, the night clubs even the very rare shopping malls the money to fund them is raked in by vicious criminals. Sometimes I lay in bed wide awake listening to noisy street below me thrive

Of course my job is dangerous, working so closely to such evil people but I do enjoy my job regardless of the danger.

I only really work with a few patients at a time, recently one has been a rather tall man by the name of Jack Napier he was a mob enforcer praying on the weak and fearful around Gotham before he took an interest in Batman a masked vigilante crime fighter who only shows his face in the evenings anyway Jacks interest became an obsession the Gotham police department had been on his trail for a while until he suddenly disappeared, the next thing we know Jacks floating in a reservoir bruised and battered or so it seemed, when he was fished out and questioned, he told us the mobsters, to whom he had crossed, had severely tortured him in a disused chemical plant. Jack was able to kill several of his captors, but fell into an empty vat of chemical waste after being pursued by the Batman. His appearance was disfigured harshly, his nose had been broken from the torture and therefore was noticeably bent, although I can assure you that isn't the first thing you'd notice. The chemical waste altered his skin tone turning it a milky white, when I first met him I was unable to take my eyes off his misfortune, not only that but his hair was a dyed a lasting green clashing with his ghost white skin, he was also left with permanent scars either side of his mouth from where is captors sliced into his cheeks it was as though he was constantly smiling he painted is mouth a blood red, I could never tell whether it was lipstick or paint maybe it was another side effect from the chemical waste but as you can imagine he played the blame game with the wonderful Batman.

In court when asked questions by the prosecutor he just laughed manically like some crazy nut job so it was no surprise when he was admitted to us.

Jack Napier is a sociopath more to the point he has a dissocial personality he has a callous unconcern for the feelings of others and lacks the capacity for empathy, he can't understand the effect of his actions on others, he used to share a room but unfortunately his inmate had to be removed for his own safety. Jacks mind is quite unstable, since peering at his new appearance. It sent him into a crazed state so much so that he sees things, hears things, currently he tries to make Jokes but only really laughing at them himself, they're quite distasteful.

I'd been sat for around an hour with him, sometimes when I'm stressed with a patient I attempt to pace it out, not that he could stop me his restraints dealt with that.

"Why don't you take a seat Doc" he giggled to himself, you can imagine what I endure daily, mostly I'm able to just shrug it off but I sat down opposite him anyway ignoring his comment,

"Aww, not laughing?" he leant over as far as the restraints would allow smiling widely "just wait for the punch line"

"Jack, your forgetting it'll be me signing your release papers and so far, you aren't exactly showing any signs of becoming more stable than you are." I looked over at the guards, Jacks one of the high risk offenders and staff aren't allowed in a room unaccompanied by at least two,

"In less you stop making such ridiculous jokes, your going to be here for a while" I sighed "I think that'll do for today. Good night Jack"

"Good job I left my car in the long stay parking lot then, huh boys?" he looked at his guards as they took an arm each to transport him back to his cell, they didn't laugh. Jack threw his head back toward the ceiling and started to cackle uncontrollably his legs dragging behind him of him he didn't even attempt to cooperate with the guard's.

On his good days though he will speak to me like a human being, but that isn't often. I could still hear his giggles as I walked in the opposite direction down the halls of the asylum, pure white. Some patients get worked up by colours so they had been painted a neutral colour. My heels clinking on the marble floor, I really hated that sound it reminded me of my mother walking down the hall when she arrived home from work.

I'd settled into life in Gotham rather well I quickly learnt where I shouldn't venture, unfortunately Arkham Asylum is situated in the Narrows but I lock my car doors whenever I'm driving through. Gotham has had its fair share of crime one criminal happened work here, Dr Jonathan Crane probably a bit too interested in fear and phobias, creating a fear inducing toxin and became 'the scarecrow' this all happened last year, though Crane was stopped by Gotham's very own guardian; Batman. Or so he's called, I personally have never seen him in action but I am very interested as to who is under the dark exterior, I know he's helping people and saving lives every night but why wear a mask? Why not be open about doing the right thing?

'Dr Opalton?' Spinning around Dr Harleen Quinzel smiled wide at me her dark hair scraped back into a high ponytail and her glasses sliding slowly down her perfectly formed nose, she had one of them really round forever young faces, they type that people like me get jealous of easily.

"Mind if I walk with you? I need to speak about Jack Napier"

"Sure" Harleen was the head psychiatrist here and so was kind of my boss, she'd helped me gain my position here and whenever I needed help she was the first person to support me.

"I hope your well, I haven't really seen you recently, I understand Napier is in your care?" our heels were clinking in unison as we walked through the double doors into reception,

"Yes he is. He was admitted two months ago, yet he has made no progress," my strong English accent was always so prominent, it was rather embarrassing to be honest. Thankfully though Harleen was able to understand me just fine,

"Yes, I was thinking, if its ok with you, that I could take him on? Unfortunately he isn't making as much progress as we'd originally thought." we walked around the statue of Amadeus Arkham and through the revolving doors stopping just outside, the rain hammering down above us bouncing off the canopy we were under giving a dull and dark atmosphere it was my impression that all of America was hot or at least warm, all I've seen here is rain I may as well be in London. I began rummaging in my bag for my umbrella, likewise Harleen began to find her own,

"That's perfectly fine, I honestly have never heard of anything quite like him he changes his personality each and every day, I'll be glad to get rid of him, just be careful he dislikes women" she smiled at me,

"What man doesn't?" I laughed at her, Harleen was quite the joker when she wasn't at work.

"Good night Harleen"

"Good night Mer'"

Yes, Mer, it's a nickname that Americans seem to find fitting for me, personally I dislike it and I would much rather if people would stick to Meredith, not that I like that name either.

I passed Harleen as I exited the car park in my blue Volvo giving her a small wave, even when driving she was so straight backed, don't get me wrong she is a lovely person, she takes her job seriously which is a very good thing due to the circumstances and the people we deal with on a daily basis. She just never relaxes, or from what I know about her, she never relaxes. Always working. I guess as she's 'the head doctor' she has to be on top of things but everybody deserves a break.

My apartment is rather small, but its home, its only big enough for me and my 2 kittens but that's all I really need. The only problem is it is littered with work, papers and patient files dotted around. I have a study; I just never use it which is ridiculously stupid I know, but that's the way things go, I'd moan if I didn't have it but I don't use it even though I do. My apartment is just off from the main road leading in and out of Gotham, so its never exactly quiet except at night, although you still get the odd car driving past with its music blaring.

It must have been about 3am when the phone rang, for once I was asleep, usually I'm wide awake checking over a patients file trying to find a loophole something I missed the first time, but I figured a early night would be healthy, apparently not. It took me a while to even figure out it was the phone that was ringing before I was able to answer it, giving a very feeble 'hello'

"Mer its Harleen, I'm so sorry if I woke you but I need you to do me a favour, its huge"

She sounded rather urgent and in my sleep deprived state I agreed to everything she asked,

"I completely forgot about the charity auction. I can't go, but somebody has to considering that half the money that's raised goes toward new facilities. Now, I asked Hugo, he's going too, it would be really good if you could join him?" I could hear the desperation in her voice, that voice people put on when their asking you to do the impossible sort of goes high pitched towards the end of the sentence. Although I really didn't want to go I actually don't have a life outside of work (to which Harleen was using against me) and so I rather reluctantly agreed,

"When is it?" I rolled over to grab a pen and paper pulling the phone dangerously close to the edge of its night stand,

"Friday" I sat up in bed completely wide awake,

"Its Wednesday!"

"I knooow, I'm so sorry. I honestly was going to go but I have to much work now. I have a dress for you and everything just please help me out"

As if I'd fit in her tiny dress but I really have no choice, I sighed as loudly as I dared down the phone, she was still my boss after all.

"I'll go, you owe me though"

This charity event just so happens to be the most sort after event of the season, full of the most important people in Gotham who in all honesty sat in their mansions with pokers up there arses doing nothing for the city but feeding those who terrorise it daily.

And so in two days I'm going to Gotham City Charity Event Funded by Bruce Wayne.


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter two**

'**Witness the birth'**

I really dislike driving through the Narrows, unfortunately there is no alternative route to Arkham.

People are sprawled along the side of the Narrowborough bridge mostly drug addicts and drunks, this is about the time I lock my doors their staring eyes made me feel uneasy, somehow guilty. Ironically I'm more afraid of driving through the narrows than I am sat across from notorious crime lords.

Harleen passed me as I was walking toward my office, I'd made a plan to avoid seeing her as soon as I saw her Blue Volvo parked in the car park. The first thing I noticed was the big black costume bag hanging over her arm, I have no doubt as to what's in it. Hopefully the dress won't fit me and I won't have to go on Friday, in a dream world that would happen, actually if its Harleen's dress it definitely won't fit me, she's rather small at 5'1 compared to my 5'5 so I might not have to go.

"Your dress Mer, it'll fit don't worry" she smiled at me as though reading my thoughts, although the smile was one of them 'ha ha I win' kinda-smiles, she handed me the dress,

"How long have you been planning this?" I pouted at her and faked a smile. God, I don't want to go.

"Who? Moi? Plan? Never…" oh great now she was joking with me, she giggled, oddly Harleen had a high pitched giggle you'd never expect if from such a small hard working person, I rolled my eyes at her and gave a feeble laugh, she intimidated me a little bit.

"There's a few things you need to remember Mer, when you get there a table will be situated in the centre of the reception area, they'll be name badges on it. Just remember to pick yours up."

"Right, name badges, reception, need it. Got it. Anything else?" I rolled the to do list around in my head for a while, letting it sink in so I didn't forget the last thing that I needed was to draw attention to myself.

"Actually there is one thing, Jack Napier, I was thinking I'll take over Tomorrow, if you don't mind doing his session today?" she looked at me hopefully, I wonder what she'll ask me to do next, clean her bathroom? Give her my first born?

"That's fine, I only have him on the schedule today then, I guess I should hang this up, heaven forbid it'll crease" I motioned to the bag now resting over my arm and Harleen gave a small smile before waving me goodbye and walking toward her office the way I'd just come.

"What's up doc?…your looking _tasty_ today" Jack Napier, supreme sleaze bag. He sees women as objects, he has no feelings for anything but himself, it would probably have been more wise to give him a male psychiatrist, but Harleen figured if he was going to learn he'd have to learn from a woman. Well she hasn't met him yet.

"Jack, we've talked about this why aren't you supposed to say things like that?"

"Because…its demeaning to women" after a few moments of frowning at me with his raised eyebrows he began to laugh a low rumble laugh that shook his chest up and own.

"Or so you tell me"

I hate it when he's in one of these moods, it was likely this session would only last an hour and we'll have to sedate him to transport him back to his cell. I sighed.

"How are you today?" I usually asked him this to determine how he was feeling, whether he'd be inclined to talk to me it also distracted him from watching me unpack my daily assessment sheet the one time I forgot to distract him he pushed my papers on the floor that was when I first started, I've learnt a lot since then.

"Oh you know, the usual. But you'll just tell me I'm being '_distasteful_' again and lock me away in the loony bin with all the nut jobs… well, the _other_ nut jobs" I hated it when he mimicked my voice, I hated it even more when he stared at me with his stupid smirk.

"Jack, do you remember last week when were talking about Batman? why don't you tell me a bit more about him?"

I ruffled my sheets a bit diverting his attention for a while before looking him in the eye, his expression which I had feared, changed completely his eyes becoming hard and cold staring back at me but within a blink of the eye he was back to his smiling self and I found myself wondering if I'd imagined it. I'm a bit wary of broaching the subject of Batman, a couple of weeks ago he'd become very enraged and reached over to grab me, thankfully the guards situated at the doors rushed in so I was quite alright just a bit shocked, of course now Jack has to be strapped to his chair as a precaution, for good behaviour though he'll be allowed to sit without restraint, he knows this he just chooses to ignore it.

"Yes."

"Do you remember the drawings that you drew of him?"

"The batty bat…bat! Flies, high in the sky but soon enough he'll fall' his wide eyes grew wider than I thought possible and his hands were clamped against the table digging in hard leaning forward toward me, the guards started toward him but I raised my hand to stop them we're getting somewhere now,

"He's _pathetic _dressed up in his costume, fighting something he can't stop he's a rodent, a menace. He should be stopped, _he_ should be looked up in here not me!" he began hysterically thrashing his head around wriggling against his restraints trying to scratch me with his filed fingernails.

"Jack I want you to calm down before I have to sedate you"

"I'm just trying to make you laugh doc, that's all I ever wanted don't you want to laugh doc? it's the best _medicine_" he began reaching out toward me making me flinch back in my seat, the chain on his restraints jingling against his chair menacingly. That noise made me cringe. The guards were about to step in but I held my hand up again. Jack began to hold in his laughter spluttering every now and again letting it out,

"Your right your right. I shouldn't laugh at that its wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong…" he began to laugh again loud rumbles of it echoing around the white washed room.

"I know something ol' bat-breath doesn't…but it's a secret.."

"Jack…?"

"Do…do you think…" he was gasping for breathe between his fits of giggles "do you think…ol' Batty could…could take me on? Just let me out doc, I'll _kill_ him!" he became deadly serious toward the end of the sentence staring me down again with that wide wild smile looming in on me. I stumbled backwards out of my chair almost falling over, only catching myself against the wall, his intense gaze causing me to shake uncontrollably.

As the guards began to sedate him he became even more rattled shouting things and struggling against their hold,

"I think I'll become a clown…a joker…I have the charming good looks! Wouldn't you agree doc?" he flashed his teeth at me again, "and my tagline hmm…how about, he's a scream, _You'll love him_" his voice was so deep I felt it through the table.

"weeelll, maybe not eh?!"

His cackles were still heard as he was taken to his padded cell, when they finally subsided I was alone in the corner of the room shaking like a leaf.

"I don't know what happened Harleen. One minute he was as good as he gets the next minute…" I trailed off pulling the sleeves of my cardigan over my hands something I'd done since I was younger its like a comfort for me.

Fifteen minutes after Jacks incident the guards had come back and I'd been taken to Harleens office interrupting her work.

She set a cup of coffee in front of me the steam rolling upwards like mist,

"Drink this." she walked round to her own leather chair and sat down, worry written across her stunning face,

"I can assure you Meredith this won't be the last time something like this happens, its scary I know, I've had thousands of patients like that" she was leaning forward her hands crossed in front of her as she looked sternly at me almost motherly, I guess in a way that's what she is a surrogate mother,

"Yeah.." I began to rack my brain over what had occurred, it had happened so quick that my mind hasn't had enough time to process it all,

"He did mention something"

"Yeh?"

"Yeh, he told me to he was becoming a clown or a joker' I can't remember exactly but I know he said joker.. He said he'd make us scream or something" I looked at Harleen concerned,

"I shouldn't worry about it Mer, we have cameras in there we'll replay it back, anyway after today he's not your patient" I smiled at her and nodded, sipping at my coffee, urgh! It was far to strong, with no sugar, in fact I'm sure there isn't any milk in this- there was a light knock on the door interrupting my thoughts, Lyles lean muscular self was leaning around the door smiling sympathetically towards me then shifting his gaze on to Harleen,

"Ms Quinn, we could use your help down in the south wing, Jacks cooking up quite the storm"

Harleen sighed "Excuse me Mer, I'll be back in a minute" Harleen left me with a pat on the shoulder, the door slamming behind her as the room became deathly silent. I'd never experienced anything quite like that, Jack scared me half to death, well, he scared me enough to make me rethink my career path.


End file.
